Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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