so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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