You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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