Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
