Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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