Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
