I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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