Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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