apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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