The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
