and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We are two peas in an std pod
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
