so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize