You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
