You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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