It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
