It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
