so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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