All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
