I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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