I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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