Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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