I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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