You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
