We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
