I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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