we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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