We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The struggles of a small town man whore
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
