Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I woke up under a house in Key West
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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