dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
