He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
