Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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