i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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