I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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