i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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