I'm going to rape someone's good day.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
