You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
