we're chasing vodka with high fives
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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