Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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