Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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