I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
