I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
