I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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