Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my vag is so smooth its legendary
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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