im six kinds of drunk right now
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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