My liver just broke up with me...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
