I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
