i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I am available for nakedness
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize