Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
