is your mom at the bar?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize