Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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