The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
