i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
