I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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