Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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