I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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