All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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