party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
