Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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