I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
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