his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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