chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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