I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
