im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
