Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
