I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
