I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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