This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
