Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
